We’ve been here so many times, baby, and I feel…I feel we’re gonna be here a lot more times before this is over, ain’t we? You draw me in and then you spit me out and I’m a little more broken and a little more lost each time. And each time, I come back to you, my kerosene.
Your claws grow deep, piercing until I don’t know no more where you end and I begin. And I’m afraid. So afraid, baby, that I’ll pull away one day, but your claws will be too deep and all that’ll be left will be the blood of me. I hope that doesn’t happen, but I can’t…I can no longer do anything, do you know how that feels?
What it’s like to be so dependent on someone, so in deep that you’re afraid to tear away? ’Cause you know it’ll kill you when you do. Because I know. I can lie to you and to me, so many times, I can claim I don’t, that I’m still safe, but the truth is I haven’t been safe for a really long time.
I was walking to your place one day, I think, and then something called out to me. A bird or some wayward bum…and I responded. I shouldn’t have, but I did, ’cause I guess I didn’t know any better. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I know. I know. I know.
But I didn’t then and I suppose it doesn’t matter now, you know? I thought I could find my way back to you, but I never did.
They approach the gallows chanting low, letting the cold soft winter settle over the, the brisk wind washing over their sins. They’ve forgotten, men like them are wont to forget. After all, they’ve got so many sins to remember, the sins of others, they aren’t much interested in their own. As they walk, their minds are clear, empty to the very last, because nothing can be allowed to disturb them. One errant thought and their peace of mind will be broken. And the judgment will have to begin all over again.
The prisoners sit mutely along the wall. They would wail if they had any tongues, if their mouths weren’t gagged and chained. They cannot be allowed to scream or yell out against their punishment, otherwise they would not be purified. Besides, they know better, they’ve been trained to accept what’s given.
The voice of the judges is just, always, they know. And they wait, hoping that the judges find them worthy. If they had anyone left to pray to, they would, they’d beg for their deaths, for the swift axe that comes down and never goes up, because here, death is the preferable outcome.
Sensing their thoughts, the eldest judge opens his mouth. The judgment has concluded, sentence will now be passed.
‘Many of you are weak, many of you crave your death, we know. It is not easy, but a life without judgment is no life at all. Fate has been merciful with all of you. None of you will die and those of you who make it through the purification process will come out strong. You must take comfort in that or you will not make it at all. You will wander the darkest of voids for the rest of eternity, empty, nameless. Nobody will know you in the dark.’
And not one of them wants to end up in the dark, because even after all this, that fate is still more terrible than the one they have. At least here, their loved ones can come visit.
I see you in my dreams, sometimes, but then I see you really, as you are. Without me.
The condemned look up at him, one by one fighting back their tears. They hoped for a different sentence, but now they must take what they can. They know there will be no appeal. They are already on the bottom of the world, nobody cares if they live or die, if they make it out of here strong — as the judges promise — or broken. They don’t matter to the outside world, not anymore and even if they do make it through the purification process, they will be alone. Some understand, some are slowly crumbling.
Tick-tock, tick-tock. The dance begins again and many fail. They die upon the rack, fingernails pulled and cheeks slashed. And they wake up again, the next day, a little battered, a tad fainter, but still very much there. A few nurse their wounds in the dark, weeping for what they could have been, once.
None know how they made it out here. Many think they got lost, they wandered off the path and forgot the way back. I suppose it happens, I suppose you can believe it, if you’re desperate enough.
You can believe anything if you’re desperate enough.
But the truth is, none got lost and they all know it, deep down. In the nights where they can’t sleep, where they pray for a sleep that will take them somewhere far away. A sleep that never seems to come…They remember that they were all meant to end up here, that they sealed their fates each time, with a smile and a nod, thinking it didn’t really matter, that there was time still to repent.
And there is. The judges make sure they repent for the whole of eternity. Day, after day, after day.
